Things That Piss Me Off #4: One-Uppers

Eggs... random... I know.
Don't worry.
It will make sense in the end.

Ever thought you had a great story to tell? or something to brag about? or something to complain about? Sure... we all have. Ever had the spotlight stolen by someone who tells a better story right after yours? or has more to brag about? or has experienced something worse than what you're complaining about? Chances are, it has happened. But honestly, this kind of situation doesn't usually piss me off. I'm not arrogant enough to think that every story I tell has to be the greatest ever, or that I'm the absolute best at anything, or that some situation I'm experiencing is the worst case scenario.

However, some people have a tendency to take every story they hear and exaggerate their own just enough that their story is bigger and better than yours. "Oh yeah?" they say. "It's funny you should mention finishing that four-hour test in an two hours! Last year, I took a five-hour test in an hour and a half!" The first time you hear a story like this, it's irritating but it's probably true. If you start to see this as a pattern, however, you're probably dealing with a one-upper: the kind of person who isn't satisfied unless he/she can claim to be the most extreme in any and every situation. You did something? They did it better. You like something? They like it more. You hate something? They hate it more. You couldn't do something? They couldn't do it either, but they tried harder.

You get the idea.

In any case, people like this are often compulsive liars. I'm not sure they even realize how terrible their issue is because they seem to one-up your story without even thinking about it. I almost feel sorry for them. Actually, I do feel sorry for them... until one of their bogus stories follows something I said... and I just get pissed off. Here are a few ways to cope:

• Return the favor. Yeah, I know it's petty... but I think having the biggest/best/coolest/craziest/whatever story is what really charges these peoples' self esteem. Steal a little of that esteem with some made-up stories of your own... crafted to conveniently outdo whatever it is they just said.
• Change your story midstream. In whatever way they start claiming that they've done something bigger/better/whatever, just change your story so that their story is no longer bigger than yours. This is particularly fun with numbers that sound similar, such as fifteen and fifty. You can say fifteen first, then let them one-up your story, and then change your number to fifty. The numbers sound similar enough that they'll at least consider the possibility that they misunderstood you.
• Catch them lying. Tell a story that you know they'll want to one-up you on to several different groups of people in their presence. Each time, change the magnitude of your story and see if they can remember how much greater than you they claimed to be the last time... for even more fun, after some time has passed, tell your story to the first group again... see if your one-upper can keep his story straight when he launches into his mandatory oneupmanship speech. 
• Make it obvious that you stopped paying attention. Since they're feeding on the attention, making a big fuss over not paying attention to them will be like a slap in the face. "Oh, I'm sorry... I must have zoned out. I don't remember a thing you said since I stopped talking."
• Smash an egg on his/her forehead. Okay, so this is probably the least helpful of my suggestions. I wouldn't even suggest actually doing it (unless you know somehow that you won't get in any trouble). I just had to list it, though, because it's what I was thinking about doing the last time I was confronted with one of these conversation bandits.

That'll teach 'em.